IF ONLY

I could see Kingfisher airlines tearing its way through the black skies. It was 8:45 in the evening and I was standing in the verandah sipping my daily cup of tea. Little cardamoms gave a very distinct flavor to my taste buds. I was in a bitter mood. It was one of those trying times when I talked to someone up there. Everything had changed, and I was still whispering to my lonely heart.

The need to rip apart that painful part of me was too much to ask for, but eventually I will have to take up a decision. I just don’t have the guts to do it. “memsaab, what should I cook today”, a heavy voice brought me back from my thoughts. “Anything will do.” My stagnant reply for all evenings was evident of the fact of rust my life was getting into. My staring into the dark was not a consolation. The light summer breeze touched my skin and I could feel nostalgia sweep on me. I just couldn’t think of parting away from his memories.

1992. Delhi’s wintery morning, his rustic attitude, a hot cup of tea and us in the cozy quilt. My first assignment of journalism had brought me to Delhi. I had taken up a flat near Hauz khas and was looking forward to wrap this city in arms. I was mesmerized the way this city had managed to entice people all these years. Crime, politics, history, food, you name it and it had it. The city entrapped in all the vices still remained a force to reckon with.

“Leave me, I am not a very morning person” I teased him and a naughty smile lit up his face. He was all over me again. It was mystic night that I had spent with him. Even a lifetime was not enough. I knew I had fallen in love all over again. I was clueless and he always left me gasping for more. Maybe his rustic attitude had me wrapped in his charm.

1990. June and sweating ,the usual Monday morning had me running to catch my usual 321, when I bumped into his huge physique. Big eyes, curled hair, fair, and a FAB kurta. Everything in my hand came tumbling down including my safe secure world. I apologized humbly and he stooped down to pick up my fallen file. I could smell him and couldn’t help smile. Good aftershaves always turned me on. A second later I heard his soft voice apologize. “I’m sorry, you missed your bus, can I help you in some way.” “Well, I guess I’ll have to wait for another bus, and I am already late for work”. I said sheepishly. I just couldn’t look straight into his eyes. “I have missed the bus of life and have no regrets” he said with an adorable smile. We laughed and accepted his offer for a bike ride to my work place. My whole day went off quite peacefully, but my mind was occupied. Kept thinking about him. Felt quite stupid to have forgotten to ask him for his number. I knew I wanted to. He was going home to Meghalaya and had stopped to visit his friend. An ex-Army, he now worked for a software company in B'lore. Come evening and I was all ready to go home. “arre Sam, whats up with you”, Rizwan broke my line of thought. “I hope you aren’t thinking about our handsome editor .Muthu. Mr mutthuswamy was an new entrant to our office. A dark, greasy and shabbily dressed Tamil editor was too much to ask for. He was barely in for two days when my gang of brats had set me up with him. They teased me to death as to how I would become an idli expert and open up an udipi outlet. Today was a different day. I took it as a passing phase and came out of the building. Rizwan had offered to leave me at the nearest bus stand. “So we meet again”, a strong voice brought me back to reality and my heart skipped a beat. It was him again. A prompt “what are you doing here” had him in splits. “I have come to buy two tickets for a movie”, he said mockingly. We laughed and minutes later we were sitting at the Barista nearby. His name was Rahul, and he was single. One stupid question followed another. Smiling he said that he knew I would want to meet him and had forgotten to take the number. I just didn’t want the evening to end. I didn’t want to leave him. He left me at my place late night after a quick dinner and I gave him one last desperate look. A look that said, will you see me again. He smiled and disappeared. I could barely sleep.

“I cannot be controlled,
My inner self eats out my conscience,
And then I am consumed
By the thought of you
And me . . . twin souls . . doomed to be separated”


Next morning my eyes searched frantically for him at the bus top as many a thoughts crossed my mind. There was no clue of him. Many an insecure thoughts left me depressed. I somehow knew that all dreams come to an end. Maybe my loneliness was eating into me and that’s why this special human company had me feeling so good. I decided to come out of it. I had many pending tasks to complete before I left for the day. Familiar tone of my mobile gave a jerk. It was mutthu asking about the mulayam singh Yadav’s rally coverage. I was on my desk again pit-patting my fingers through the computer, still basking and glowing in last evening’s conversation.

On a lazy Saturday morning, three days later, a familiar Delhi number brought back my hopes. “You aren’t working today, are you?” I was silent for a minute and with deep breath pretence, I said no. “So would you cook for me today”? I wish he could see my smile. I agreed readily and then frantically ran through my mental diary of mom’s special dishes. He is a North-eastern, so why not some cuisine from the valley. I prepared myself for the afternoon. I quickly beautified my living room waited for him with a bated breath. Dressed in a beautiful floral suit, I didn’t really look bad. Doorbell and I was all ready to receive him. “Hi” the same naughty smile and at 27, I could still feel the 16 yr old feel. He had brought some chocolates and a bottle of wine. I already had vodka in the house. I knew he liked old monk. He had told me. His compliment on my house made me blush. Infact, I was not able to behave normal. I just couldn’t think straight. As he settled in my favorite bean bag, I gave him his drink and for next two hours we just talked nonstop. I laid out the table and waited for his compliment on my food. He kept teasing me about my food and told me that he was great cook himself. I was impressed. My list had added just another point in his favor. We watched “Gothika” in utter silence he kept scaring me in the whole movie. With every scary scene I would move an inch closer. Close enough to smell his deo, I edged forward to smell him nicely. I was ready to do anything to be held closer. I had completely lost myself. He held me tightly and hugged me. I didn’t know how to react. The whole afternoon we held each other closer to feel the warmth and watched the movie in silence sometimes, feeling each other for minutes together. He got up to make us a nice cup of tea. I felt so special. I had friends, good friends, but this was something very special.

A drive to India Gate was so special. I felt totally lost. Sitting quietly at the India gate, he told me many an instances of his life, his ex-girlfriend, and the women he had slept with. I didn’t know how to react to all that. “I don’t have the patience to have a relationship” brought my evening to a crash. He told me that he got bored of people very soon. I took it nicely. What else was I expecting out of this? I felt better after I came to terms with reality. I was enjoying his company and did not want more than that. I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

Then it’s me,
The night,
And your whisperings,
“I am crying out
A voice . . .
. . . Screaming
in silence.”
“You engulf me
The wave lingers
. . and I drown again.”Deep within me..


Wonders and miracles never cease to happen and what I thought was an end was just the beginning. Didn’t know where I was headed to, but decided to keep my feet firm on the ground. A long drive back home in silence did no good to both of us. He knew what I was looking for and I knew for sure, he can’t possibly give me. Another peck on the cheek and I was back in my lonely house. I sent him an SMS saying that all good things shouldn’t come to an end. A smiley came back. The willingness to accept life as it is and a faith to never give is seen rarely. Here was one person who seemed content with the life he led, worked on impulses and thrived on challenges.

As I slowly climbed the stairs to my destined hell, Mutthu stopped me on the way to tell me that I had to see him after lunch. I was in a trance and his words seemed mere lyrics of a dead song. “Would you like to take up a six month deputation to Pune? “ No words came out of my mouth. My throat felt dry. DESTINY. As I packed my bags and bid farewell to everybody, I promised I would be back with them to happily get married to muthu and then someday open up an udipi restaurant.

As the train neared Pune station, I could feel nervousness seeping inside me. I peeped out. We had reached Shivajinagar. Pune, a city much smaller than most of the cities of India, had the history of patriotism. “Don’t miss Dagdu seth temple and the Chitale Bandhu’ sweets,” Mrs. Nerulkar‘s guide to the city had me smiling all the way. She was the only elderly face in the office that provided free consultancy to all the cases. Be it Varun’s heartache or Vidya’s pickle, each one of us knew where to go in case of a trouble.

In India, mostly all the cities are known either by their food items or the ancient temples. I guess that’s the essence we have inherited from our forefathers. As I stepped out, I could feel the pleasantness in the air, unlike the humidity dust and heat I had experienced in Delhi. “Quite a small town,” I thought to myself. My stomach felt a strange uneasiness, as I suddenly remembered someone. As I sat in the taxi to Aundh, I looked out to find the similar oldness in the streets. It was like entering Daryaganj. I had heard so much about the wayward traffic condition of Pune that I was quite enjoying it. I rang the bell of a neat looking flat. My residence for next six months. I was welcomed by Mrs. Dasgupta, the owner, who had come to give me the keys. She lived in the next block and was friends with Mutthuswamy since his childhood days. She seemed quite young for her fifty plus age. I could see the table laid out for me as I entered the house. “Do have some nice home cooked food and take rest”. As she guided me through the house, I felt at ease. I felt I could stay there. The scenic look from the verandah made me take a deep breath. I wanted to be there. The room was provided with a dewan, T.V, and other basic things. Mrs. Dasgupta had left me with a casual note of “don’t hesitate to ask, if you need anything “little did she know that she would never be able to give me what I wanted. I could feel the heaviness in me by the very thought. It was still too early for me to forget everything. I didn’t want to. Whoever said that if you love something, set it free, didn’t know the meaning of it.
I had set him free.

Next morning, a colleague came to pick me up and the unfamiliar road of F.C Road made me more home sick. It was crowded and all I could see was the young faces. Mrs. Nerulkar’s daughter had told me that whenever I felt bored and tired of the work, I should go to Café coffee day and see the real Pune. Come evening and I was whisked away to a welcome party by my colleagues, who wanted me to introduce to the new place. As we entered the place, my heart skipped many a beat. I saw Rahul sitting in the corner, sipping a lonely cup of coffee. Minutes past, I saw his companion come towards him. “Yeah why would he remember me?” I thought to myself. She was quite a tall and pretty looking girl. I looked at myself. Fat and withdrawn from the world, I had lost all pleasantness from my face. That one episode had turned my world upside down. I hid myself well from him. I knew he wouldn’t know my existence in Pune. The drive to my place was quite torturous. I could feel the tears in my eyes. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I didn’t realize that I had reached. I closed my eyes tightly and took my usual holy vow of never falling in love.

Could I evade the lines of destiny???? I knew someday I would bump into him and would have no explanation whatsoever of my presence in Pune. I didn’t want him to think I took this assignment purposely. Actually I had. Saturday I hopped into ozone, the mall which I thought could keep me occupied for atleast 3 hrs. Bank opposite I could see FAB and decided to walk into it. Fab again brought back memories. As I stepped into the shop I hoped from the bottom of my heart to see that familiar face. I shopped for some kurtas for daily wear and then on my way out bumped heavily into someone again. This couldn’t be true. This can’ be happening to me. “Hey”, I heard someone give a loud shriek. “Can’t be”, I was terrified the way he held me tight. “why didn’t you tell me you were coming to pune?”. He flooded me with questions. I had not expected him to be this excited about my coming to pune. He had changed his deo. I still had fond memories of his body deo. Maybe his companion didn’t like it. She was quite stylish, I had noticed that day. At the back of my mind, I had quite decided that I would not go make myself fall for him. Another cup of coffee at café coffee day at ozone made me so nostalgic. It was all so fresh. I invited him to my place. “Are you sure about this, you didn’t look too happy to see me” He mocked. I knew he could read me inside out. He knew exactly what I would be thinking the next moment. Sometimes he scared me with his exactness on my thoughts.

I got up early on Saturday to cook that special meal. Bhoona gosht he so really liked spread its aroma in my kitchen. Accompanied by plain rice, it tasted heaven. We talked a lot about ourselves. Our life in general, he wanted to know what is it that I was seeking or looking at. “All I need is you” I so badly wanted him to know my thoughts. My lips were sealed and one more afternoon of warmth and coziness passed us by. He held me so strong that I couldn’t breathe. I could hear his deep breath. I just didn’t have the guts to let him go. He stayed back that night. “I’m going away for an assignment, don’t know when I’ll be back” he told me softly. We lay close after a long session of crazy love making. I didn’t say anything. Just felt the mourning with a heavy heart. I knew than I had to move on. I didn’t know how, but I had to.

He kept coming to my place and days just passed us by. I knew soon he’ll say goodbye and fly off to his new destination. I had accepted my fate and wanted to make the best of the time that we had together. I was fighting with myself. A fight that would perhaps go on for the rest of my life. DID we have a future? We could have had I had to move on and I knew that. He left on the 10th and I stood on the verandah for a very long time crying my heart out. I knew everything was over. There was nothing left. Days turned into months. He would call up sometimes and drop a mail or two. I was not able to get over my brooding. I had sulked enough to last a lifetime.

Then Rishi happened. The answer to my loneliness. I had never liked him initially. How could I? After all the heartache, I was left with no soul. We were working together for the same assignment and had spent a considerable amount of time together to understand each other. I had completely given up on myself. Behaved like a zombie when he asked me to marry him. I had to marry someone, then why not him. Decision of a lifetime and taken in a second. I knew what fate had in store for me. I knew the ditch I was getting into. He was a wonderful person, life couldn’t be boring with him, I thought. Deep inside my heart died a thousand deaths. I prayed fervently for his return. Something told me he would come back.

Then began my nightmare. Rishi was not able relationship. We struck together. I knew I couldn’t step back and he knew that he loved me.

I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t love him enough to carry on with everything. My family had warned me against doing anything against my nature. I had counted every step that I had taken. I knew everything was against my wishes, yet was going thru the heartache. I was missing him badly. It was almost a year and his memories were still fresh. It was hard for me to explain things to Rishi and he was callous in his ways. I couldn’t take it anymore.

1994. I had decided to separate. I knew life had never been easy on me. Standing on the verandah, I was trying hard to understand the conflict of my heart. Rishi would not be coming in before 12, so I was on my own. The cook had left and I could smell the aroma of the food. Kadi and Rice. I felt nauseated. I was in no mood to eat, talk or even look at anybody. I felt cheated by destiny. I felt hurt. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.
Nothing ever stops and we move on in life. It’s almost been six months now my dilemma continued. It was definitely not easy to take up a decision. Mom would call up sometimes. She knew things were not right and wanted me to sort out everything. “It’s not easy staying all alone” she warned me.” How can you even think of something like this?” It was hard to explain these things to her. I didn’t know why I married in the first place and now I was finding it suffocating. Rishi didn’t want to have a kid this early. We now did not even share a decent physical relationship. We were just good friends. Everything in me was breaking up fast. I needed to get out of this very fast.

1995. December. Cold Saturday evening. I was feeling quiet depressed and decided to go for a walk at the jogger’s park nearby. It was always good to see people especially when you are feeling depressed. Sitting quietly and watching the kids play made me feel good. I called up Rishi there and decided to go for a movie. “Salaam Namaste “had cast a spell on people and we stepped into the theatre. Half and hour and I was in tears. Every thing in the movie reminded me of him. I couldn’t take it anymore. Rishi was completely dazed to see me in that condition but little he understood. Spring turned into summers and summers into autumn. Leaves had started shredding. Every day with each falling leaf, I was reminded of O’ Henry’s the last leaf.

Things were getting worse than before.

That night I told him that everything is over and that I needed to get away from all this. It was all a big shock for him. He couldn’t take it. Just couldn’t understand where things went wrong. I didn’t have the patience to go thru the whole story again. All I knew was that I wanted to break free from all bondages. Maybe him also.

1996. Spring. Gurgaon seemed too crowded for that part of day. I wanted to shop before I stepped into my new life. My office, my livelihood, my friends. I was back to my old office. Mutthu had left the office long back. I met Rizwan again after a long gap. It was all coming back to me. It was all so nostalgic. Everything in that office had changed. The décor, the people, attitude. That bus stand remained the same. Rizwaan dropped me to the bus stand and made sure I boarded one. We had not spoken about my life ever since I came to the Delhi office. We only exchanged silent glances. He knew exactly what I was going through. He invited me over to meet his newly wedded wife Saira, his sweetheart of 17 years. They were neighbors and now life partners. I felt happy for him. Atleast somebody was happy.

I was starting my life all over again and it was not easy. Rishi would call up every now and then hoping things would get back. I knew I had hurt him badly and he was just being nice to me. Sometimes I wondered if I had taken the right decision. Mom was just not willing to accept the fact that I had taken such a big decision. She knew I was a born rebel and if things don’t appeal to me, I would quit. Each day on the bus stand and memories came rushing in. Why after all these years I was not able to erase those memories?
Standing once again in the balcony of my house, I found myself staring in the wilderness. Only god knew what was coming. I had no clue what I would be doing next.